I, part one

I feel like a shell of a Christian sometimes.
I feel like my old self has taken over again
I feel like the Holy Spirit is sitting in the back seat of my life
I feel like it's useless
I feel like I'm trying so hard with no energy to go on
I feel like I'm empty
I feel confused as to whether an intimate relationship with God is possible because I haven't yet experienced it fully
I feel like I'm not worth it
I feel like I'm so fickle. Why should God take me back?
I feel like I'm a bundle of dreams with the wrong motivations
I feel guilty when my true self comes out but I'm unwilling to acknowledge that it's a genuine, unforgiving representation of who I am.

I am unwilling to realize that my laziness in wanting to help people stems from my selfish, unloving nature.
I am willing to change but not willing to put the energy into changing.
I am apathy dressed up in good intentions.
I am sinful.

I am repulsed by people who judge me by things that shouldn't define being a Christian.
I am repulsed when people who have obvious flaws judge others.
I hate that I am too much of a coward to try to keep people accountable.
I am repulsed by myself when I judge people. Who gave me the right? What right do I have to judge someone else's servant? (Romans)
I am repulsed by myself when judging others makes me feel better about myself.
I am repulsed by my lack of backbone.

I hate it when I focus on acting a certain way to invoke a certain response instead of focusing on showing the love of Jesus.
I hate it when I knowingly compromise by saying something I shouldn't.
I hate it when I forget to look upon and treat other people as children of God.
I hate it when I criticize others' ways of sharing the gospel when I never try at all.
I hate that my feelings are so sensitive that I give up on proclaiming Jesus at the first sign of resistance.
I hate that I can make a clear plan of action but lack the motivation to follow through.
I hate that I make up excuses to prevent me from even thinking of how I can act.
I hate that I dread a life that neglects my own happiness for the sake of the happiness of others.
I hate that it feels physically impossible for me to do things that I don't feel like doing.
I hate that I can go for week or two, letting the Holy Spirit influence my life, and then go for a couple of months letting my sinful nature control my thoughts, words and actions.
I hate that my relationship with God is based on how He can make me feel or how He can improve my life, and it's not based on His power and sovreignty and my wish to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I rarely feel like putting God before everything else.
I hate that I don't feel close enough to God to even truly know why I would want to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I lack the perseverance to pray and read the Bible regularly.
I hate that I constantly fall short.
I hate that I constantly think I can never be good enough.
I hate that I realize all of these things about myself, and yet I stay the same.