hmm?

I'm kinda worried about myself. It seems like lately, I am the most content when my mind is vegging out and not really working on anything. I guess this might be a common thing? but it's not the way I used to be at all. My grades are dropping in school and I have a hard time focusing on conversations and remembering (and even picking up on)details. I don't know what's going on with me at all. It's like I just want to check out of life, in general. Or most of it, anyway. I don't really care about school, a career, money, etc...I wish my time could be solely spent on praying, reading the bible, and of course my boyfriend. And music. Some friends, too. Everything else just seems very low on my priority list right now and I just can't get myself to focus on those things. I'm very apathetic. I don't like it. It's scaring me.

God,

do you really think I'm ready for this? why would you put this in my life if you thought I wasn't? are you trying to be ironic or just lovingly difficult? why would you make me wait so long for something that I thought would be the best thing that would ever happen to me, only to give me something that is amazing and absolutely heartwrenching at the same time? what did I do to make you think I needed this to build my character? where did I fall short?

come on.....

guys need to grow up and get over commitment issues. yes, that means you. everyone wants to be the less committed one in the relationship because it makes them feel powerful and it gives them an ego trip. but don't you realize that it really hurts the more committed one when you act as though their love is unimportant to you? think of other people before yourself for once. okthxbye.

blah

let down after let down after let down after let down after let down......
i really need something good to happen to me for once...
because I'm getting really tired of this
i feel like crying right now but I'm just too dang tired
i hate it when people let me down. When they turn out to be NOT the person I thought they were. When they make me feel like I'm unimportant.
I hate this.
ugh.
I guess I just need to stop expecting good things to happen because then I won't be disappointed when they don't.

Complicated

I like how when we're little kids we can look to the future with such innocence...we don't even think about how things will happen and how we will change...we just take things for granted. We knew then that we would grow up, have a career, get married, and have kids. That was never even a question. But when you've actually gotten to the point where the whole "growing up" thing is knocking at your door, it gets a little more complicated. All of the little details that you never thought about suddenly all demand at once to be worked out, and if you decided to take longer than normal to "mature", sorry, you're out of time.

There are a lot of things to learn between the time you're a little kid with big aspirations and when you are "grown up". I was kinda sheltered when i was younger so I think that there are a lot of things I don't think about in certain situations that a lot of people my age do. I'm pretty innocent in the way i approach a lot of things, even though I probably have as much knowledge as others my age. It's almost as if I don't always have the capability of applying my own knowledge to my life, or even recognizing when this knowledge could be applied. It's even to the point where sometimes I don't even act on what I want because I'm so detached from my life, almost like a movie or something. I'm not selfless-- I do obsess over some situations and hope that they work out in a way that I like, but something is keeping me from taking steps toward what I want. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm too afraid I'll mess up, or look stupid, or I'm too afraid I'm going against what God wants. In any case, I feel like I'm in suspension between being a kid and being an adult. I wonder what's finally going to motivate me to grow up.

redefining myself

I'm so confused right now. I thought that my life was changing for the better this year but now I feel like I'm right back where I was before. I don't know what God is doing at all. I know His plan is the best but when i see things work out for everyone else, I get really, really sad that things never work out for me.

Cannonball

Cannonball by Damien Rice
There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
So close I can't see what's going

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon...
Stones taught me to fly
And love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know