come on.....

guys need to grow up and get over commitment issues. yes, that means you. everyone wants to be the less committed one in the relationship because it makes them feel powerful and it gives them an ego trip. but don't you realize that it really hurts the more committed one when you act as though their love is unimportant to you? think of other people before yourself for once. okthxbye.

blah

let down after let down after let down after let down after let down......
i really need something good to happen to me for once...
because I'm getting really tired of this
i feel like crying right now but I'm just too dang tired
i hate it when people let me down. When they turn out to be NOT the person I thought they were. When they make me feel like I'm unimportant.
I hate this.
ugh.
I guess I just need to stop expecting good things to happen because then I won't be disappointed when they don't.

Complicated

I like how when we're little kids we can look to the future with such innocence...we don't even think about how things will happen and how we will change...we just take things for granted. We knew then that we would grow up, have a career, get married, and have kids. That was never even a question. But when you've actually gotten to the point where the whole "growing up" thing is knocking at your door, it gets a little more complicated. All of the little details that you never thought about suddenly all demand at once to be worked out, and if you decided to take longer than normal to "mature", sorry, you're out of time.

There are a lot of things to learn between the time you're a little kid with big aspirations and when you are "grown up". I was kinda sheltered when i was younger so I think that there are a lot of things I don't think about in certain situations that a lot of people my age do. I'm pretty innocent in the way i approach a lot of things, even though I probably have as much knowledge as others my age. It's almost as if I don't always have the capability of applying my own knowledge to my life, or even recognizing when this knowledge could be applied. It's even to the point where sometimes I don't even act on what I want because I'm so detached from my life, almost like a movie or something. I'm not selfless-- I do obsess over some situations and hope that they work out in a way that I like, but something is keeping me from taking steps toward what I want. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm too afraid I'll mess up, or look stupid, or I'm too afraid I'm going against what God wants. In any case, I feel like I'm in suspension between being a kid and being an adult. I wonder what's finally going to motivate me to grow up.

redefining myself

I'm so confused right now. I thought that my life was changing for the better this year but now I feel like I'm right back where I was before. I don't know what God is doing at all. I know His plan is the best but when i see things work out for everyone else, I get really, really sad that things never work out for me.

Cannonball

Cannonball by Damien Rice
There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on

There’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
So close I can't see what's going

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball

There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on

Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon...
Stones taught me to fly
And love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

I need out.

I think it's really neat when kids look up to their parents and want to be like them....When parents are solid role models for their children.

That being said, my parents are everything I don't want to be when I grow up.

The air I breathe

You've come to a moment of your life in which you think you've reached a point that has no road lying beyond it--an electric fence that becomes unavoidable, and you walk right into it, blind and helpless. A heavy, ominous feeling floods through every part of you. It feels like the life that you thought you knew never existed, because you have mistaken it for something else, and it taunts you for your naivety.

Everything is quiet. Tears come to your eyes; sometimes you start to sob, and sometimes the pain wells up inside your chest and makes your throat hurt like hell. Sorrow overcomes you, and it's all you know.

You don't know whether to scold yourself for being so pitiful or to scorn the world for making you feel this way. Anger and shame coexist, working together to catalyze either an explosion or an implosion, or some combination of the two. The intensity of this feeling gradually becomes less and less, pushing you into the negative and almost stopping your heart. Everything is once again, quiet.

You begin to ask questions.

Why? Why did You make me this way? Good things happen to other people, why aren't they happening to me? Is it something I'm doing wrong? Do I not talk enough? Laugh enough? Am I not smart enough? Beautiful enough? "Christian" enough? Why didn't You make me differently? Will this really ever change? Am I even good enough for things to change? Am I just not enough?

God is silent.
You are silent.

"Faith"........
That's not an answer, that's a concept.
What is faith?
Believing in something I can't see or that I don't have any physical evidece for.
What don't you believe in?
I don't believe You'll ever satisfy me.

Silence.
You realize that faith is a fundamental part of being a disciple of Christ, and you are once again stopped dead in your tracks. You also realize that if you are concerned that you won't receive the kind of satisfaction you're hoping for in this life, then you certainly don't know anything about the satisfaction that God offers His Children.

You stand up and brush yourself off. You are alive. Your heart is beating. Your lungs are forcing oxygen into your body and is emitting carbon dioxide, but not by itself. God is pumping your heart. He is breathing into your lungs. The funny thing is, he aways has been the reason you are alive. And you realize that submitting to God, having faith in Him, and being a disciple of Jesus Christ does not only lie in acknowledging that He is the only reason for your physical and spiritual existence. It also lies in submitting to God's desire to be the one and only Reason who truly compels you to wake up in the morning.

So you awake.
You are alive, after all of this. You have not been defeated. But your shield was not your sanity and your sword was not your intellect. Your backbone is not the one made from osteoblasts and your wings weren't a product of evolution. God is your shelter, and your reasoning does not stem from human intellect but from the Holy Spirit. You have been weak, but through Jesus Christ you are strong. You are called to soar in a future of hope and in close discipleship with Jesus, not ever knowing the big picture but being content in mimicking His footsteps.

The saying goes, "What does not kill you can only make you stronger." Superficial strength can come from knowledge harvested from experience, but human wisdom is foolishness to God. You have been tired, almost dead, and wiithout the will to continue to exist, but God uses your weakness to bring glory to Himself, being Strength through you.

And you live. You take steps. You are a disciple, not worrying about living up to any standards but the ones Jesus, your Rabbi provides. And you are whole.