prayer

(i wrote this a couple weeks ago.....)

God, I really want to know you and to be in a relationship with you but I lack the motivation to carry it out. I hate to say this but it's almost like I see the benefits of you in my life and I want you in my life because of those things and maybe not because of who you are. It sounds like I just want to use you so that my life can go well. I don't even know how to begin to change that.

(I'm putting a paragraph ending here because I randomly change to a different thought!)

I don't know how much we as humans can actually know You while we're here on this earth, but I do know that I don't know you that well. I know a lot about you, but I don't feel like I really know You. Like, personally. I guess it's hard for me to really perceive you as having a character because you are represented as being everything that is generically good. And obviously, that's true, but I think the generic part is unnecessary. How cool of a "someone" must you be for creating the stuff you have. Like sunsets......music......just everything that's wonderful, from the most subtle things to the most obvious. I think we tend to ignore the true meaning of the phrase "Everything good comes from you". We miss out on the fact that every thing that has any good in it at all---and situation, any occurance, any matter--is directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. There would not be good without you. I think I take credit away from you because I forget how much you are involved in my life. And that's even understating it. The only reason I can breathe is because you let me, and because you made it possible for me. So, in that sense, anything even remotely good that I am capable of doing is (to reiterate) directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. If I think about it like that, I take way too much credit for myself. Actually, if I think about it like that, I shouldn't take any credit at all to myself. Free will takes a part in things, of course, but it's just like how computers act, really. Yeah, they do cool stuff and they can be programmed to respond to a whole bunch of things in a litany of ways, but they can't do anything beyond what we've poured into them from our own abilities. And of course, the human brain is so much better than a computer could ever be, even though we aren't able or accurately trained to use it to its full potential. So think about how many more things are present in the "mind" of God that we cannot even know about or comprehend in our present state. We represent not even a fraction of the glory of God because His majesty is infinite, so why would we even take any credit for ourselves?