I like how when we're little kids we can look to the future with such innocence...we don't even think about how things will happen and how we will change...we just take things for granted. We knew then that we would grow up, have a career, get married, and have kids. That was never even a question. But when you've actually gotten to the point where the whole "growing up" thing is knocking at your door, it gets a little more complicated. All of the little details that you never thought about suddenly all demand at once to be worked out, and if you decided to take longer than normal to "mature", sorry, you're out of time.
There are a lot of things to learn between the time you're a little kid with big aspirations and when you are "grown up". I was kinda sheltered when i was younger so I think that there are a lot of things I don't think about in certain situations that a lot of people my age do. I'm pretty innocent in the way i approach a lot of things, even though I probably have as much knowledge as others my age. It's almost as if I don't always have the capability of applying my own knowledge to my life, or even recognizing when this knowledge could be applied. It's even to the point where sometimes I don't even act on what I want because I'm so detached from my life, almost like a movie or something. I'm not selfless-- I do obsess over some situations and hope that they work out in a way that I like, but something is keeping me from taking steps toward what I want. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm too afraid I'll mess up, or look stupid, or I'm too afraid I'm going against what God wants. In any case, I feel like I'm in suspension between being a kid and being an adult. I wonder what's finally going to motivate me to grow up.
Friday, November 9, 2007
Sunday, October 28, 2007
redefining myself
I'm so confused right now. I thought that my life was changing for the better this year but now I feel like I'm right back where I was before. I don't know what God is doing at all. I know His plan is the best but when i see things work out for everyone else, I get really, really sad that things never work out for me.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Cannonball
Cannonball by Damien Rice
There’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
There’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
It’s still a little hard to say what's going on
There’s still a little bit of your ghost your weakness
There’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
You step a little closer to me
So close I can't see what's going
Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
There’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
There’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
You step a little closer to me
So close that I can´t see what´s going on
Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to lie
Life, it taught me to dive
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannon...
Stones taught me to fly
And love taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
Cause it's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And i don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know
Sunday, October 14, 2007
I need out.
I think it's really neat when kids look up to their parents and want to be like them....When parents are solid role models for their children.
That being said, my parents are everything I don't want to be when I grow up.
That being said, my parents are everything I don't want to be when I grow up.
The air I breathe
You've come to a moment of your life in which you think you've reached a point that has no road lying beyond it--an electric fence that becomes unavoidable, and you walk right into it, blind and helpless. A heavy, ominous feeling floods through every part of you. It feels like the life that you thought you knew never existed, because you have mistaken it for something else, and it taunts you for your naivety.
Everything is quiet. Tears come to your eyes; sometimes you start to sob, and sometimes the pain wells up inside your chest and makes your throat hurt like hell. Sorrow overcomes you, and it's all you know.
You don't know whether to scold yourself for being so pitiful or to scorn the world for making you feel this way. Anger and shame coexist, working together to catalyze either an explosion or an implosion, or some combination of the two. The intensity of this feeling gradually becomes less and less, pushing you into the negative and almost stopping your heart. Everything is once again, quiet.
You begin to ask questions.
Why? Why did You make me this way? Good things happen to other people, why aren't they happening to me? Is it something I'm doing wrong? Do I not talk enough? Laugh enough? Am I not smart enough? Beautiful enough? "Christian" enough? Why didn't You make me differently? Will this really ever change? Am I even good enough for things to change? Am I just not enough?
God is silent.
You are silent.
"Faith"........
That's not an answer, that's a concept.
What is faith?
Believing in something I can't see or that I don't have any physical evidece for.
What don't you believe in?
I don't believe You'll ever satisfy me.
Silence.
You realize that faith is a fundamental part of being a disciple of Christ, and you are once again stopped dead in your tracks. You also realize that if you are concerned that you won't receive the kind of satisfaction you're hoping for in this life, then you certainly don't know anything about the satisfaction that God offers His Children.
You stand up and brush yourself off. You are alive. Your heart is beating. Your lungs are forcing oxygen into your body and is emitting carbon dioxide, but not by itself. God is pumping your heart. He is breathing into your lungs. The funny thing is, he aways has been the reason you are alive. And you realize that submitting to God, having faith in Him, and being a disciple of Jesus Christ does not only lie in acknowledging that He is the only reason for your physical and spiritual existence. It also lies in submitting to God's desire to be the one and only Reason who truly compels you to wake up in the morning.
So you awake.
You are alive, after all of this. You have not been defeated. But your shield was not your sanity and your sword was not your intellect. Your backbone is not the one made from osteoblasts and your wings weren't a product of evolution. God is your shelter, and your reasoning does not stem from human intellect but from the Holy Spirit. You have been weak, but through Jesus Christ you are strong. You are called to soar in a future of hope and in close discipleship with Jesus, not ever knowing the big picture but being content in mimicking His footsteps.
The saying goes, "What does not kill you can only make you stronger." Superficial strength can come from knowledge harvested from experience, but human wisdom is foolishness to God. You have been tired, almost dead, and wiithout the will to continue to exist, but God uses your weakness to bring glory to Himself, being Strength through you.
And you live. You take steps. You are a disciple, not worrying about living up to any standards but the ones Jesus, your Rabbi provides. And you are whole.
Everything is quiet. Tears come to your eyes; sometimes you start to sob, and sometimes the pain wells up inside your chest and makes your throat hurt like hell. Sorrow overcomes you, and it's all you know.
You don't know whether to scold yourself for being so pitiful or to scorn the world for making you feel this way. Anger and shame coexist, working together to catalyze either an explosion or an implosion, or some combination of the two. The intensity of this feeling gradually becomes less and less, pushing you into the negative and almost stopping your heart. Everything is once again, quiet.
You begin to ask questions.
Why? Why did You make me this way? Good things happen to other people, why aren't they happening to me? Is it something I'm doing wrong? Do I not talk enough? Laugh enough? Am I not smart enough? Beautiful enough? "Christian" enough? Why didn't You make me differently? Will this really ever change? Am I even good enough for things to change? Am I just not enough?
God is silent.
You are silent.
"Faith"........
That's not an answer, that's a concept.
What is faith?
Believing in something I can't see or that I don't have any physical evidece for.
What don't you believe in?
I don't believe You'll ever satisfy me.
Silence.
You realize that faith is a fundamental part of being a disciple of Christ, and you are once again stopped dead in your tracks. You also realize that if you are concerned that you won't receive the kind of satisfaction you're hoping for in this life, then you certainly don't know anything about the satisfaction that God offers His Children.
You stand up and brush yourself off. You are alive. Your heart is beating. Your lungs are forcing oxygen into your body and is emitting carbon dioxide, but not by itself. God is pumping your heart. He is breathing into your lungs. The funny thing is, he aways has been the reason you are alive. And you realize that submitting to God, having faith in Him, and being a disciple of Jesus Christ does not only lie in acknowledging that He is the only reason for your physical and spiritual existence. It also lies in submitting to God's desire to be the one and only Reason who truly compels you to wake up in the morning.
So you awake.
You are alive, after all of this. You have not been defeated. But your shield was not your sanity and your sword was not your intellect. Your backbone is not the one made from osteoblasts and your wings weren't a product of evolution. God is your shelter, and your reasoning does not stem from human intellect but from the Holy Spirit. You have been weak, but through Jesus Christ you are strong. You are called to soar in a future of hope and in close discipleship with Jesus, not ever knowing the big picture but being content in mimicking His footsteps.
The saying goes, "What does not kill you can only make you stronger." Superficial strength can come from knowledge harvested from experience, but human wisdom is foolishness to God. You have been tired, almost dead, and wiithout the will to continue to exist, but God uses your weakness to bring glory to Himself, being Strength through you.
And you live. You take steps. You are a disciple, not worrying about living up to any standards but the ones Jesus, your Rabbi provides. And you are whole.
Friday, September 7, 2007
I, part one
I feel like a shell of a Christian sometimes.
I feel like my old self has taken over again
I feel like the Holy Spirit is sitting in the back seat of my life
I feel like it's useless
I feel like I'm trying so hard with no energy to go on
I feel like I'm empty
I feel confused as to whether an intimate relationship with God is possible because I haven't yet experienced it fully
I feel like I'm not worth it
I feel like I'm so fickle. Why should God take me back?
I feel like I'm a bundle of dreams with the wrong motivations
I feel guilty when my true self comes out but I'm unwilling to acknowledge that it's a genuine, unforgiving representation of who I am.
I am unwilling to realize that my laziness in wanting to help people stems from my selfish, unloving nature.
I am willing to change but not willing to put the energy into changing.
I am apathy dressed up in good intentions.
I am sinful.
I am repulsed by people who judge me by things that shouldn't define being a Christian.
I am repulsed when people who have obvious flaws judge others.
I hate that I am too much of a coward to try to keep people accountable.
I am repulsed by myself when I judge people. Who gave me the right? What right do I have to judge someone else's servant? (Romans)
I am repulsed by myself when judging others makes me feel better about myself.
I am repulsed by my lack of backbone.
I hate it when I focus on acting a certain way to invoke a certain response instead of focusing on showing the love of Jesus.
I hate it when I knowingly compromise by saying something I shouldn't.
I hate it when I forget to look upon and treat other people as children of God.
I hate it when I criticize others' ways of sharing the gospel when I never try at all.
I hate that my feelings are so sensitive that I give up on proclaiming Jesus at the first sign of resistance.
I hate that I can make a clear plan of action but lack the motivation to follow through.
I hate that I make up excuses to prevent me from even thinking of how I can act.
I hate that I dread a life that neglects my own happiness for the sake of the happiness of others.
I hate that it feels physically impossible for me to do things that I don't feel like doing.
I hate that I can go for week or two, letting the Holy Spirit influence my life, and then go for a couple of months letting my sinful nature control my thoughts, words and actions.
I hate that my relationship with God is based on how He can make me feel or how He can improve my life, and it's not based on His power and sovreignty and my wish to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I rarely feel like putting God before everything else.
I hate that I don't feel close enough to God to even truly know why I would want to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I lack the perseverance to pray and read the Bible regularly.
I hate that I constantly fall short.
I hate that I constantly think I can never be good enough.
I hate that I realize all of these things about myself, and yet I stay the same.
I feel like my old self has taken over again
I feel like the Holy Spirit is sitting in the back seat of my life
I feel like it's useless
I feel like I'm trying so hard with no energy to go on
I feel like I'm empty
I feel confused as to whether an intimate relationship with God is possible because I haven't yet experienced it fully
I feel like I'm not worth it
I feel like I'm so fickle. Why should God take me back?
I feel like I'm a bundle of dreams with the wrong motivations
I feel guilty when my true self comes out but I'm unwilling to acknowledge that it's a genuine, unforgiving representation of who I am.
I am unwilling to realize that my laziness in wanting to help people stems from my selfish, unloving nature.
I am willing to change but not willing to put the energy into changing.
I am apathy dressed up in good intentions.
I am sinful.
I am repulsed by people who judge me by things that shouldn't define being a Christian.
I am repulsed when people who have obvious flaws judge others.
I hate that I am too much of a coward to try to keep people accountable.
I am repulsed by myself when I judge people. Who gave me the right? What right do I have to judge someone else's servant? (Romans)
I am repulsed by myself when judging others makes me feel better about myself.
I am repulsed by my lack of backbone.
I hate it when I focus on acting a certain way to invoke a certain response instead of focusing on showing the love of Jesus.
I hate it when I knowingly compromise by saying something I shouldn't.
I hate it when I forget to look upon and treat other people as children of God.
I hate it when I criticize others' ways of sharing the gospel when I never try at all.
I hate that my feelings are so sensitive that I give up on proclaiming Jesus at the first sign of resistance.
I hate that I can make a clear plan of action but lack the motivation to follow through.
I hate that I make up excuses to prevent me from even thinking of how I can act.
I hate that I dread a life that neglects my own happiness for the sake of the happiness of others.
I hate that it feels physically impossible for me to do things that I don't feel like doing.
I hate that I can go for week or two, letting the Holy Spirit influence my life, and then go for a couple of months letting my sinful nature control my thoughts, words and actions.
I hate that my relationship with God is based on how He can make me feel or how He can improve my life, and it's not based on His power and sovreignty and my wish to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I rarely feel like putting God before everything else.
I hate that I don't feel close enough to God to even truly know why I would want to put Him before everything else.
I hate that I lack the perseverance to pray and read the Bible regularly.
I hate that I constantly fall short.
I hate that I constantly think I can never be good enough.
I hate that I realize all of these things about myself, and yet I stay the same.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Don't you see that I'd be better off by myself than wondering if I'm better off without you?
It's starting to look like it's going to be really hard for me to ever be in a relationship.
You know why?
The type of guy I like never likes me back. And that type of guy always ends up liking or being in a relationship with a girl who I wouldn't think they would like, which makes me think i was misguided in knowing their character.
I'm so gosh darn picky. I can't, CAN'T be in a relationship that I'm not sure about. I don't think I'll ever be able to force myself to settle for a guy. Whenever I see myself starting to get used to the idea of dating a guy that I didn't initially like, I back off because I know it's just because I like attention and I like the idea of being in a relationship. I would never actually be in a relationship with a guy like this, but I would unintentionally lead him on because I like being accepted. Especially because I feel unappreciated by the guy(s) I would actually want to be in a relationship with.
(And by "lead him on" i don't mean that I'm consciously messing with his emotions, I just like being around them and being friends with them, but they misinterpret it so it ends up being "my fault")
Anna would know this as the "Wendy's Epiphany". It's become a recurring plotline in my life and I'm totally ready for something to work out in my favor for once.
You know why?
The type of guy I like never likes me back. And that type of guy always ends up liking or being in a relationship with a girl who I wouldn't think they would like, which makes me think i was misguided in knowing their character.
I'm so gosh darn picky. I can't, CAN'T be in a relationship that I'm not sure about. I don't think I'll ever be able to force myself to settle for a guy. Whenever I see myself starting to get used to the idea of dating a guy that I didn't initially like, I back off because I know it's just because I like attention and I like the idea of being in a relationship. I would never actually be in a relationship with a guy like this, but I would unintentionally lead him on because I like being accepted. Especially because I feel unappreciated by the guy(s) I would actually want to be in a relationship with.
(And by "lead him on" i don't mean that I'm consciously messing with his emotions, I just like being around them and being friends with them, but they misinterpret it so it ends up being "my fault")
Anna would know this as the "Wendy's Epiphany". It's become a recurring plotline in my life and I'm totally ready for something to work out in my favor for once.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Sunday, August 19
Last night my mind kept me awake because I was trying to logically figure God out. This was what was running through my head.
My conclusion last night was that human logic is silly and pointless in the eternal scope of things. Before communion today I asked God to help me to believe in Him like a child does. Just faith. Not needing to have everything or even a safe 50% of things figured out. Realizing that God has provided atonement for me through Jesus. That he's been totally faithful to me and has shown that He knows exactly how He's going to work through all of my life experiences to make me the person He created me to be. Why would I question Him?
Job 38-42
2 "Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?
You do not know what you are talking about.
3 Get ready to stand up for yourself.
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you know.
5 Who measured it? I am sure you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 What was it built on?
Who laid its most important stone?
7 When it happened, the morning stars sang together.
All of the angels shouted with joy.
8 "Who created the ocean?
Who caused it to be born?
9 I put clouds over it as if they were its clothes.
I wrapped it in thick darkness.
10 I set limits for it.
I put its doors and metal bars in place.
11 I said, 'You can come this far.
But you can't come any farther.
Here is where your proud waves have to stop.'
12 "Job, have you ever commanded the morning to come?
Have you ever shown the sun where to rise?
13 The daylight takes the earth by its edges
as if it were a blanket.
Then it shakes sinful people out of it.
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal.
Its features stand out
like the different parts of your clothes.
15 Sinners would rather have darkness than light.
When the light comes, their power is broken.
16 "Have you traveled to the springs at the bottom of the ocean?
Have you walked in its deepest parts?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of darkness?
18 Do you understand how big the earth is?
Tell me, if you know all of those things.
19 "Where does light come from?
And where does darkness live?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their houses?
21 I am sure you know! After all, you were already born!
You have lived so many years!
22 "Have you entered the places where the snow is kept?
Have you seen the storerooms for the hail?
23 I store up snow and hail for times of trouble.
I keep them for days of war and battle.
24 Where does lightning come from?
Where do the east winds that blow across the earth live?
25 Who tells the rain where it should fall?
Who makes paths for the thunderstorms?
26 They bring water to places where no one lives.
They water deserts that do not have anyone in them.
27 They satisfy the needs of dry and empty lands.
They make grass start growing there.
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who is the father of the drops of dew?
29 Does the ice have a mother?
Who is the mother of the frost from the heavens?
30 The waters become as hard as stone.
The surface of the ocean freezes over.
31 "Can you tie up the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you untie the ropes that hold Orion together?
32 Can you bring out all of the stars in their seasons?
Can you lead out the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper?
33 Do you know the laws that govern the heavens?
Can you rule over the earth the way I do?
34 "Can you give orders to the clouds?
Can you make them pour rain down on you?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
36 Who put wisdom in people's hearts?
Who gave understanding to their minds?
37 Who is wise enough to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens?
38 I tip them over when the ground becomes hard.
I do it when the dirt sticks together.
39 "Do you hunt for food for mother lions?
Do you satisfy the hunger of their cubs?
40 Some of them lie low in their dens.
Others lie waiting in the bushes.
41 Who provides food for ravens
when their babies cry out to me?
They wander around because they do not have anything to eat.
Do you watch when female deer give birth?
2 Do you count the months until the animals have their babies?
Do you know the time when they give birth?
3 They bend their back legs and have their babies.
Then their labor pains stop.
4 Their little ones grow strong and healthy in the wild.
They leave and do not come home again.
5 "Who let the wild donkeys go free?
Who untied their ropes?
6 I gave them the dry and empty land as their home.
I gave them salt flats to live in.
7 They laugh at all of the noise in town.
They do not hear the shouts of the donkey drivers.
8 They wander over the hills to look for grass.
They search for anything green to eat.
9 "Job, will wild oxen agree to serve you?
Will they stay by your feed box at night?
10 Can you keep them in straight rows with harnesses?
Will they plow the valleys behind you?
11 Will you depend on them for their great strength?
Will you let them do your heavy work?
12 Can you trust them to bring in your grain?
Will they take it to your threshing floor?
13 "The wings of ostriches flap with joy.
But they can't compare with the wings and feathers of storks.
14 Ostriches lay their eggs on the ground.
They let them get warm in the sand.
15 They do not know that something might step on them.
A wild animal might walk all over them.
16 Ostriches are mean to their little ones.
They treat them as if they did not belong to them.
They do not care that their work was useless.
17 I did not provide ostriches with wisdom.
I did not give them good sense.
18 But when they spread their feathers to run,
they laugh at a horse and its rider.
19 "Job, do you give horses their strength?
Do you put flowing manes on their necks?
20 Do you make them jump like locusts?
They terrify others with their proud snorting.
21 They paw the ground wildly.
They are filled with joy.
They charge at their enemies.
22 They laugh at fear. They are not afraid of anything.
They do not run away from swords.
23 Many arrows rattle at their sides.
Flashing spears and javelins are also there.
24 They are so stirred up that they eat up the ground.
They can't stand still when trumpets are blown.
25 When they hear the trumpets they snort, 'Aha!'
They catch the smells of battle far away.
They hear the shouts of commanders and the battle cries.
26 "Job, are you wise enough to teach hawks where to fly?
They spread their wings and fly toward the south.
27 Do you command eagles to fly so high?
They build their nests as high as they can.
28 They live on cliffs and stay there at night.
High up on the rocks they think they are safe.
29 From there they look for their food.
They can see it from far away.
30 Their little ones like to eat blood.
Eagles gather where they see dead bodies."
4 "I'm not worthy. How can I reply to you?
I'm putting my hand over my mouth. I'll stop talking.
5 I spoke once. But I really don't have any answer.
I spoke twice. But I won't say anything else."
7 "Get ready to stand up for yourself.
I will ask you some more questions.
Then I want you to answer me.
8 "Would you dare to claim that I am not being fair?
Would you judge me in order to make yourself seem right?
9 Is your arm as powerful as mine is?
Can your voice thunder as mine does?
10 Then put on glory and beauty as if they were your clothes.
Also put honor and majesty on.
11 Let loose your great anger.
Look at those who are proud and bring them low.
12 Look at proud people and bring them down.
Crush those who are evil right where they are.
13 Bury their bodies in the dust together.
Cover their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.
15 "Look at the behemoth. It is a huge animal.
I made both of you.
It eats grass like an ox.
16 Look at the strength it has in its hips!
What power it has in the muscles of its stomach!
17 Its tail sways back and forth like a cedar tree.
The tendons of its thighs are close together.
18 Its bones are like tubes made out of bronze.
Its legs are like rods made out of iron.
19 It ranks first among my works.
I made it. I can approach it with my sword.
20 The hills produce food for it.
All of the other wild animals play near it.
21 It lies under lotus plants.
It hides in tall grass in the swamps.
22 The lotus plants hide it in their shade.
Poplar trees near streams surround it.
23 It is not afraid when the river roars.
It is secure even when the Jordan River rushes against its mouth.
24 Can anyone capture it by its eyes?
Can anyone trap it and poke a hole through its nose?
Can you tie down its tongue with a rope?
2 Can you put a rope through its nose?
Can you stick a hook through its jaw?
3 Will it keep begging you for mercy?
Will it speak gently to you?
4 Will it make an agreement with you?
Can you make it your slave for life?
5 Can you make a pet out of it like a bird?
Can you put it on a leash for your young women?
6 Will traders offer you something for it?
Will they divide it up among the merchants?
7 Can you fill its body with harpoons?
Can you throw fishing spears into its head?
8 If you touch it, it will fight you.
Then you will remember never to touch it again!
9 No one can possibly control the leviathan.
Just looking at it will terrify you.
10 No one dares to wake it up.
So who can possibly stand up to me?
11 Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything on earth belongs to me.
12 "Now I will speak about the leviathan's legs.
I will talk about its strength and its graceful body.
13 Who can strip off its outer coat?
Who would try to put a bridle on it?
14 Who dares to open its jaws?
Its mouth is filled with terrifying teeth.
15 Its back has rows of shields
that are close together.
16 Each one is so close to the next one
that not even air can pass between them.
17 They are joined tightly to one another.
They stick together and can't be forced apart.
18 The leviathan's snorting throws out flashes of light.
Its eyes shine like the first light of day.
19 Fire seems to spray out of its mouth.
Sparks of fire shoot out.
20 Smoke pours out of its nose.
It is like smoke from a boiling pot over burning grass.
21 Its breath sets coals on fire.
Flames fly out of its mouth.
22 Its neck is very strong.
People run to get out of its way.
23 Its rolls of fat are close together.
They are firm and can't be moved.
24 Its chest is as hard as rock.
It is as hard as a lower millstone.
25 When the leviathan rises up,
even mighty people are terrified.
They run away when it moves around wildly.
26 A sword that strikes it has no effect.
Neither does a spear or dart or javelin.
27 It treats iron as if it were straw.
It crushes bronze as if it were rotten wood.
28 Arrows do not make it run away.
Stones that are thrown from slings are like straw hitting it.
29 A club seems like a piece of straw to it.
It laughs when it hears a javelin rattling.
30 Its undersides are like broken pieces of pottery.
It leaves a trail in the mud like a threshing sled.
31 It makes the ocean churn like a boiling pot.
It stirs up the sea like perfume someone is making.
32 It leaves a shiny trail behind it.
You would think the ocean had white hair.
33 Nothing on earth is equal to the leviathan.
That creature is not afraid of anything.
34 It looks down on proud people.
It rules over all those who are proud."
2 "I know that you can do anything.
No one can keep you from doing what you plan to do.
3 You asked me, 'Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?
You do not know what you are talking about.'
I spoke about things I didn't completely understand.
I talked about things that were too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak.
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me.'
5 My ears had heard about you.
But now my own eyes have seen you.
6 So I hate myself.
I'm really sorry for what I said about you.
That's why I'm sitting in dust and ashes."
- God=infinitely large, intelligent, good, loving, creative
- infinite=having unlimited spacial extent (http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861621161/infinite.html)
- In God's case, spacial extent cannot be of physical property but if it's of spiritual property and covers all possible metaphysical expanse and keeps on going (like a dot that extends out into an infinite sphere), then the metaphysical being of God must somehow include physical property. If God has always been present and nothing else has always been present, then God must fill his own "dimension" (for lack of better word) of timeless and infinite existence in which the personality of God resides (his goodness, love, creativity, etc).
- BUT since I don't believe that anybody is actually a part of God, you have to somehow figure that God can create separate spiritual and physical entities that are governed under His goodness and are made in His image but aren't a part of Him...and can choose to reject God and spend eternity separated from Him in the "lake of fire" (which wouldn't even make sense to human logic unless the rebellious spirit simply became nothingness like they were before conception, because 1/it's impossible to actually be separated from God if he's infinite in size and 2/God can't be in direct contact with sin at all). Or they can choose to accept Jesus' atonement for their sin and someday as a church meet the "bridegroom" Jesus in heaven (does this mean that the church is going to somehow become unified with Jesus? Which would kinda logically go against the whole "we aren't part of God" thing, right?)
My conclusion last night was that human logic is silly and pointless in the eternal scope of things. Before communion today I asked God to help me to believe in Him like a child does. Just faith. Not needing to have everything or even a safe 50% of things figured out. Realizing that God has provided atonement for me through Jesus. That he's been totally faithful to me and has shown that He knows exactly how He's going to work through all of my life experiences to make me the person He created me to be. Why would I question Him?
Job 38-42
The First Speech of the Lord
1 The Lord spoke to Job out of a storm. He said,2 "Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?
You do not know what you are talking about.
3 Get ready to stand up for yourself.
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me.
4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
Tell me, if you know.
5 Who measured it? I am sure you know!
Who stretched a measuring line across it?
6 What was it built on?
Who laid its most important stone?
7 When it happened, the morning stars sang together.
All of the angels shouted with joy.
8 "Who created the ocean?
Who caused it to be born?
9 I put clouds over it as if they were its clothes.
I wrapped it in thick darkness.
10 I set limits for it.
I put its doors and metal bars in place.
11 I said, 'You can come this far.
But you can't come any farther.
Here is where your proud waves have to stop.'
12 "Job, have you ever commanded the morning to come?
Have you ever shown the sun where to rise?
13 The daylight takes the earth by its edges
as if it were a blanket.
Then it shakes sinful people out of it.
14 The earth takes shape like clay under a seal.
Its features stand out
like the different parts of your clothes.
15 Sinners would rather have darkness than light.
When the light comes, their power is broken.
16 "Have you traveled to the springs at the bottom of the ocean?
Have you walked in its deepest parts?
17 Have the gates of death been shown to you?
Have you seen the gates of darkness?
18 Do you understand how big the earth is?
Tell me, if you know all of those things.
19 "Where does light come from?
And where does darkness live?
20 Can you take them to their places?
Do you know the paths to their houses?
21 I am sure you know! After all, you were already born!
You have lived so many years!
22 "Have you entered the places where the snow is kept?
Have you seen the storerooms for the hail?
23 I store up snow and hail for times of trouble.
I keep them for days of war and battle.
24 Where does lightning come from?
Where do the east winds that blow across the earth live?
25 Who tells the rain where it should fall?
Who makes paths for the thunderstorms?
26 They bring water to places where no one lives.
They water deserts that do not have anyone in them.
27 They satisfy the needs of dry and empty lands.
They make grass start growing there.
28 Does the rain have a father?
Who is the father of the drops of dew?
29 Does the ice have a mother?
Who is the mother of the frost from the heavens?
30 The waters become as hard as stone.
The surface of the ocean freezes over.
31 "Can you tie up the beautiful Pleiades?
Can you untie the ropes that hold Orion together?
32 Can you bring out all of the stars in their seasons?
Can you lead out the Big Dipper and the Little Dipper?
33 Do you know the laws that govern the heavens?
Can you rule over the earth the way I do?
34 "Can you give orders to the clouds?
Can you make them pour rain down on you?
35 Do you send the lightning bolts on their way?
Do they report to you, 'Here we are'?
36 Who put wisdom in people's hearts?
Who gave understanding to their minds?
37 Who is wise enough to count the clouds?
Who can tip over the water jars of the heavens?
38 I tip them over when the ground becomes hard.
I do it when the dirt sticks together.
39 "Do you hunt for food for mother lions?
Do you satisfy the hunger of their cubs?
40 Some of them lie low in their dens.
Others lie waiting in the bushes.
41 Who provides food for ravens
when their babies cry out to me?
They wander around because they do not have anything to eat.
Job 39
1 "Job, do you know when mountain goats have their babies?Do you watch when female deer give birth?
2 Do you count the months until the animals have their babies?
Do you know the time when they give birth?
3 They bend their back legs and have their babies.
Then their labor pains stop.
4 Their little ones grow strong and healthy in the wild.
They leave and do not come home again.
5 "Who let the wild donkeys go free?
Who untied their ropes?
6 I gave them the dry and empty land as their home.
I gave them salt flats to live in.
7 They laugh at all of the noise in town.
They do not hear the shouts of the donkey drivers.
8 They wander over the hills to look for grass.
They search for anything green to eat.
9 "Job, will wild oxen agree to serve you?
Will they stay by your feed box at night?
10 Can you keep them in straight rows with harnesses?
Will they plow the valleys behind you?
11 Will you depend on them for their great strength?
Will you let them do your heavy work?
12 Can you trust them to bring in your grain?
Will they take it to your threshing floor?
13 "The wings of ostriches flap with joy.
But they can't compare with the wings and feathers of storks.
14 Ostriches lay their eggs on the ground.
They let them get warm in the sand.
15 They do not know that something might step on them.
A wild animal might walk all over them.
16 Ostriches are mean to their little ones.
They treat them as if they did not belong to them.
They do not care that their work was useless.
17 I did not provide ostriches with wisdom.
I did not give them good sense.
18 But when they spread their feathers to run,
they laugh at a horse and its rider.
19 "Job, do you give horses their strength?
Do you put flowing manes on their necks?
20 Do you make them jump like locusts?
They terrify others with their proud snorting.
21 They paw the ground wildly.
They are filled with joy.
They charge at their enemies.
22 They laugh at fear. They are not afraid of anything.
They do not run away from swords.
23 Many arrows rattle at their sides.
Flashing spears and javelins are also there.
24 They are so stirred up that they eat up the ground.
They can't stand still when trumpets are blown.
25 When they hear the trumpets they snort, 'Aha!'
They catch the smells of battle far away.
They hear the shouts of commanders and the battle cries.
26 "Job, are you wise enough to teach hawks where to fly?
They spread their wings and fly toward the south.
27 Do you command eagles to fly so high?
They build their nests as high as they can.
28 They live on cliffs and stay there at night.
High up on the rocks they think they are safe.
29 From there they look for their food.
They can see it from far away.
30 Their little ones like to eat blood.
Eagles gather where they see dead bodies."
Job 40
1 The Lord continued,
2 "I am the Mighty One.
Will the man who argues with me correct me?
Let him who brings charges against me answer me!"
Job's Reply
3 Job replied to the Lord,4 "I'm not worthy. How can I reply to you?
I'm putting my hand over my mouth. I'll stop talking.
5 I spoke once. But I really don't have any answer.
I spoke twice. But I won't say anything else."
The Second Speech of the Lord
6 Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said,7 "Get ready to stand up for yourself.
I will ask you some more questions.
Then I want you to answer me.
8 "Would you dare to claim that I am not being fair?
Would you judge me in order to make yourself seem right?
9 Is your arm as powerful as mine is?
Can your voice thunder as mine does?
10 Then put on glory and beauty as if they were your clothes.
Also put honor and majesty on.
11 Let loose your great anger.
Look at those who are proud and bring them low.
12 Look at proud people and bring them down.
Crush those who are evil right where they are.
13 Bury their bodies in the dust together.
Cover their faces in the grave.
14 Then I myself will admit to you
that your own right hand can save you.
15 "Look at the behemoth. It is a huge animal.
I made both of you.
It eats grass like an ox.
16 Look at the strength it has in its hips!
What power it has in the muscles of its stomach!
17 Its tail sways back and forth like a cedar tree.
The tendons of its thighs are close together.
18 Its bones are like tubes made out of bronze.
Its legs are like rods made out of iron.
19 It ranks first among my works.
I made it. I can approach it with my sword.
20 The hills produce food for it.
All of the other wild animals play near it.
21 It lies under lotus plants.
It hides in tall grass in the swamps.
22 The lotus plants hide it in their shade.
Poplar trees near streams surround it.
23 It is not afraid when the river roars.
It is secure even when the Jordan River rushes against its mouth.
24 Can anyone capture it by its eyes?
Can anyone trap it and poke a hole through its nose?
Job 41
1 "Job, can you pull the leviathan out of the sea with a fish hook?Can you tie down its tongue with a rope?
2 Can you put a rope through its nose?
Can you stick a hook through its jaw?
3 Will it keep begging you for mercy?
Will it speak gently to you?
4 Will it make an agreement with you?
Can you make it your slave for life?
5 Can you make a pet out of it like a bird?
Can you put it on a leash for your young women?
6 Will traders offer you something for it?
Will they divide it up among the merchants?
7 Can you fill its body with harpoons?
Can you throw fishing spears into its head?
8 If you touch it, it will fight you.
Then you will remember never to touch it again!
9 No one can possibly control the leviathan.
Just looking at it will terrify you.
10 No one dares to wake it up.
So who can possibly stand up to me?
11 Who has a claim against me that I must pay?
Everything on earth belongs to me.
12 "Now I will speak about the leviathan's legs.
I will talk about its strength and its graceful body.
13 Who can strip off its outer coat?
Who would try to put a bridle on it?
14 Who dares to open its jaws?
Its mouth is filled with terrifying teeth.
15 Its back has rows of shields
that are close together.
16 Each one is so close to the next one
that not even air can pass between them.
17 They are joined tightly to one another.
They stick together and can't be forced apart.
18 The leviathan's snorting throws out flashes of light.
Its eyes shine like the first light of day.
19 Fire seems to spray out of its mouth.
Sparks of fire shoot out.
20 Smoke pours out of its nose.
It is like smoke from a boiling pot over burning grass.
21 Its breath sets coals on fire.
Flames fly out of its mouth.
22 Its neck is very strong.
People run to get out of its way.
23 Its rolls of fat are close together.
They are firm and can't be moved.
24 Its chest is as hard as rock.
It is as hard as a lower millstone.
25 When the leviathan rises up,
even mighty people are terrified.
They run away when it moves around wildly.
26 A sword that strikes it has no effect.
Neither does a spear or dart or javelin.
27 It treats iron as if it were straw.
It crushes bronze as if it were rotten wood.
28 Arrows do not make it run away.
Stones that are thrown from slings are like straw hitting it.
29 A club seems like a piece of straw to it.
It laughs when it hears a javelin rattling.
30 Its undersides are like broken pieces of pottery.
It leaves a trail in the mud like a threshing sled.
31 It makes the ocean churn like a boiling pot.
It stirs up the sea like perfume someone is making.
32 It leaves a shiny trail behind it.
You would think the ocean had white hair.
33 Nothing on earth is equal to the leviathan.
That creature is not afraid of anything.
34 It looks down on proud people.
It rules over all those who are proud."
Job 42
Job's Reply
1 Job replied to the Lord,2 "I know that you can do anything.
No one can keep you from doing what you plan to do.
3 You asked me, 'Who do you think you are to disagree with my plans?
You do not know what you are talking about.'
I spoke about things I didn't completely understand.
I talked about things that were too wonderful for me to know.
4 "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak.
I will ask you some questions.
Then I want you to answer me.'
5 My ears had heard about you.
But now my own eyes have seen you.
6 So I hate myself.
I'm really sorry for what I said about you.
That's why I'm sitting in dust and ashes."
The Story Ends
7 After the Lord finished speaking to Job, he spoke to Eliphaz the Temanite. He said, "I am angry with you and your two friends. You have not said what is true about me, as my servant Job has.8 "So now get seven bulls and seven rams. Go to my servant Job. Then sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you. And I will accept his prayer. I will not punish you for saying the foolish things you said. You have not said what is true about me, as my servant Job has."
9 So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them to do. And the Lord accepted Job's prayer.
10 After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him successful again. He gave him twice as much as he had before. 11 All of his brothers and sisters and everyone who had known him before came to see him. They ate with him in his house. They showed their concern for him. They comforted him because of all of the troubles the Lord had brought on him. Each one gave him a piece of silver and a gold ring.
12 The Lord blessed the last part of Job's life even more than the first part. He gave Job 14,000 sheep and 6,000 camels. He gave him 1,000 pairs of oxen and 1,000 donkeys.
13 Job also had seven sons and three daughters. 14 He named the first daughter Jemimah. He named the second Keziah. And he named the third Keren-Happuch. 15 Job's daughters were more beautiful than any other women in the whole land. Their father gave them a share of property along with their brothers.
16 After all of that happened, Job lived for 140 years. He saw his children, his grandchildren and his great-grandchildren. 17 And so he died. He had lived for a very long time.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
prayer
(i wrote this a couple weeks ago.....)
God, I really want to know you and to be in a relationship with you but I lack the motivation to carry it out. I hate to say this but it's almost like I see the benefits of you in my life and I want you in my life because of those things and maybe not because of who you are. It sounds like I just want to use you so that my life can go well. I don't even know how to begin to change that.
(I'm putting a paragraph ending here because I randomly change to a different thought!)
I don't know how much we as humans can actually know You while we're here on this earth, but I do know that I don't know you that well. I know a lot about you, but I don't feel like I really know You. Like, personally. I guess it's hard for me to really perceive you as having a character because you are represented as being everything that is generically good. And obviously, that's true, but I think the generic part is unnecessary. How cool of a "someone" must you be for creating the stuff you have. Like sunsets......music......just everything that's wonderful, from the most subtle things to the most obvious. I think we tend to ignore the true meaning of the phrase "Everything good comes from you". We miss out on the fact that every thing that has any good in it at all---and situation, any occurance, any matter--is directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. There would not be good without you. I think I take credit away from you because I forget how much you are involved in my life. And that's even understating it. The only reason I can breathe is because you let me, and because you made it possible for me. So, in that sense, anything even remotely good that I am capable of doing is (to reiterate) directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. If I think about it like that, I take way too much credit for myself. Actually, if I think about it like that, I shouldn't take any credit at all to myself. Free will takes a part in things, of course, but it's just like how computers act, really. Yeah, they do cool stuff and they can be programmed to respond to a whole bunch of things in a litany of ways, but they can't do anything beyond what we've poured into them from our own abilities. And of course, the human brain is so much better than a computer could ever be, even though we aren't able or accurately trained to use it to its full potential. So think about how many more things are present in the "mind" of God that we cannot even know about or comprehend in our present state. We represent not even a fraction of the glory of God because His majesty is infinite, so why would we even take any credit for ourselves?
God, I really want to know you and to be in a relationship with you but I lack the motivation to carry it out. I hate to say this but it's almost like I see the benefits of you in my life and I want you in my life because of those things and maybe not because of who you are. It sounds like I just want to use you so that my life can go well. I don't even know how to begin to change that.
(I'm putting a paragraph ending here because I randomly change to a different thought!)
I don't know how much we as humans can actually know You while we're here on this earth, but I do know that I don't know you that well. I know a lot about you, but I don't feel like I really know You. Like, personally. I guess it's hard for me to really perceive you as having a character because you are represented as being everything that is generically good. And obviously, that's true, but I think the generic part is unnecessary. How cool of a "someone" must you be for creating the stuff you have. Like sunsets......music......just everything that's wonderful, from the most subtle things to the most obvious. I think we tend to ignore the true meaning of the phrase "Everything good comes from you". We miss out on the fact that every thing that has any good in it at all---and situation, any occurance, any matter--is directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. There would not be good without you. I think I take credit away from you because I forget how much you are involved in my life. And that's even understating it. The only reason I can breathe is because you let me, and because you made it possible for me. So, in that sense, anything even remotely good that I am capable of doing is (to reiterate) directly a result of your planning, thought, creativity and character. If I think about it like that, I take way too much credit for myself. Actually, if I think about it like that, I shouldn't take any credit at all to myself. Free will takes a part in things, of course, but it's just like how computers act, really. Yeah, they do cool stuff and they can be programmed to respond to a whole bunch of things in a litany of ways, but they can't do anything beyond what we've poured into them from our own abilities. And of course, the human brain is so much better than a computer could ever be, even though we aren't able or accurately trained to use it to its full potential. So think about how many more things are present in the "mind" of God that we cannot even know about or comprehend in our present state. We represent not even a fraction of the glory of God because His majesty is infinite, so why would we even take any credit for ourselves?
explanations
why does lauren now have a blog?
because you know if you come here, you will be bombarded with what I think about stuff, something that may or may not happen when we're talking.
please explain for me the title of your blog, lauren!
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Theresa
because you know if you come here, you will be bombarded with what I think about stuff, something that may or may not happen when we're talking.
please explain for me the title of your blog, lauren!
"Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Theresa
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